|Posted by Kelsy on December 30, 2018 at 8:40 PM|
Tomorrow is a really special day for me, at the end of the year since 2013 I have posted an update video, or stream that reflects everything from the year but to also hype you guys up with everything coming in 2019. I have 3 major announcements plus loads of content ideas, as well as giving my tournament line up for 2019. It will all be available on Youtube tomorrow!
While tomorrow will focus mostly on 2019, I really wanted to talk about 2018 with you guys because yes, it was a fantastic year for us and so much opportunities and moments have happened that I can't be grateful enough for. But for me personally, I had a lot of rough moments that went on and it took a while to accept that, and to be able to talk about it. So I'd like to share what's been going on and be honest with you guys. I also want to thank you for another incredible year.
2018 gave me so much this year. I have found a family who always seeks for me to be the best I can be with EMG, RedBull has been incredible to me and we started up Content again after 3 years which got us partnered with Screenwave Media. We got to work for PUMA and SEGA for a special Sonic Shoe-launch event, and we traveled to many amazing new places that I have never seen before or even dreamed of seeing. We relaunched this website, got affiliated on twitch, and ended the year off by being number 100 in Smash 4 in all of it's time of being competitive while ending the Canadian season off by being the 4th best Canadian player. Far Cry 5, the game I've worked on for 2 years with Ubisoft released in March and I keep hearing about how much you guys love it.
But life isn't perfect. Sometimes we have to go through things to grow and we all have our own challenges to face. For those who have been around since 2013, you guys know that I started my Youtube channel as a getaway from my depression and anxiety. It was also a place to practice skills and such that I have learned in College from Radio, and Video production. It brought me passion, and got me through my depression in 2015 and even taught me to live. It brought me so much joy and confience in myself. Now don't worry, I'm happy. I'm SO happy. I love deeply, the deepiest that I have ever been able to love. I have a family who has never been more supportive. I have goals and dreams that I will forever keep chasing and working my ass off for. But because I'm so happy now, there's some things that I'm feeling that I stopped feeling years ago when I was depressed. You see, when I was depressed I couldn't feel. I felt nothing for anything and that allowed me to block out everything on Youtube and escape it back in 2013. Though, because of this I never faced my problems. This year as I'm growing so much; having pressure to perform well in competition, to be at my best in relationships, etc ; memories and fears from when I was a teenager including bad experiences that happened to me and bad things that I have done have creeped up on me. I suddenly began to get very bad anxiety again, that has been getting worse and worse all year to the point where it was effecting my daily life. I began overthinking every part of me from "what if" I'm back there again. The "what ifs" effected me all year. My sexuality, my performance in tournament... I could literally be playing and not be present at all thinking of "what if this etc" . I was getting very drawn into the past feeling so guilty for not feeling ok. I started to feel guilty for having anxiety and I kept it in to the point where I would explode very easily emotionally, and easily. I'd be having knots in my stomach to the point of feeling like fainting, or to feel sick and not eat. My peak was at Canada Cup 2018. At the end of the tournament, I was very distressed in my hotel room with my best friend DragonMatt and Lil_0ne. I wasn't in the present, I was very frustrated, and sick from things in the past that were causing arguements. I just wanted it to stop. I felt all year my head was in CIRCLES starting with something as a "what if" to anything, and going to the worst possible case and back around. I was becoming exhausted in my mind, and would want to just sleep by the afternoon from how tired my brain was.This came right after I got 5th at the event being my best tournament placing.. and I was only sad. Some of you came up to me and asked why I was disappointed; and I couldn't talk about it then because I didn't know what was wrong at the time but now I know and I want to say that I just wasn't in the present. My mind during my match with Mr E, and SDX that day just wasn't there. I was looking at a screen and playing while my head was in the past and making my think "what ifs" . So when I left the stage I wanted to burst into tears because I was SO frustrated that I felt no matter what I did during the set , I was fighting with my brain to "shut up" instead of fighting my opponent in smash bros. I couldn't focus. So I was just very frustrated with myself and needed some time to just calm down and think.
At the end of Canada Cup, my friends and I spoke and we agreed I should get help. Not to be happy because I am, but to help me get through to moving on. I have a lot in my past that I have not come to terms with, and have not listened to because I didn't like who I was. But now that I'm in a great place, I want to help myself, I care about my body and my future and where I wanna be. I think that's why Anxiety is hitting me so hard... because I'm not understanding what's happening and I WANT to make it alllll go away. Since November, I've been seeing someone and getting help on my mentality.
I wanted to be completely honest with everyone here, because I'm always seeing posts on twitter about people feeling SO alone about having anxiety or mental health problems and I wanted to say that you're not alone. You guys come up to me and tell me im one of the most positive people in the community and I wanted to say that 2018 has been rough for me. and it wasn't all "smiles" with me. BUT this wasn't a bad year. Just a year of me finally learning about me, and ready to move onto the future and learn to be in the present. I also thought I was alone for a very long time with this, and now I know I'm not.
SO I want to make a Resolution list and share it with you. This motivates me, but I also wanna do this to help you guys out there struggling as well.
Let's not forget, 2018 was AMAZING for me in every damn way. Even what I'm going through now, I'm still taking it as positive because it means I'm only learning, growing and headed to the unknown, which can be SO exciting. So here's what I wanna damn accomplish in 2019.
1) Gain Control over Anxiety. (IN PROGRESS)
2) Less "What ifs" and more , "Being present"
3) Lose 20 Pounds, ( i gained a lot of weight this year from my actions towards anxiety like eating so I'm very focused on my physical health atm)
4) Get accepted into School. I want to go back for Business FULL TIME to one day maybe create something within ESports or be apart of something amazing within the Entertainment industry.
5) Expand my audience, With content back on consistency, I want to focus on this so hard and make people around the world smile with what I love to do most: entertaining.
6) KICK ASS IN ULTIMATE. I want to work damn hard at this game as I always have. It's a huge passion for me to compete and always brings me so much joy. This year I wanna learn as much as I can and just keep climbing. I want to go from 100-75 or possibly higher!
7) Let go of my PAST
8 ) Have more "Me" time. This vacation I'm currently on is my first vacation in 3 years.... I thik I deserve a few me days sometimes!
9) Less Fear.
What is your resolution?
I wanna thank ANYONE who has taken the time to read this. This was a bit scary for me to say, but i want less "what ifs" and fears in 2019 from me so i just said bitch fuck it I'm GOING for it cuz damn it I'm SuperGirlKels, and I can't be tamed!
Okay, that was a bit cheesy. I'll see you guys tomorrow for the BIG final vlog of the year. Happy New Year to everyone and thank you again for a FANTASTIC 2018. Cheers, to 2019.